Paddles, Spiders, and Kids...Oh My

We all have our own parenting styles. In the past, I opted for the time-out, talking-to options...BUT then my son was born and he broke all the rules of child-rearing. My girls will cry just from telling them gently that what they did was wrong...and they won't do it again. As many of you know though, BOYS are a different story...or at least, MINE IS.

So, as my son has gotten more and more difficult to discipline, my mother decides it is time for her to whip out the trusty paddle. She actually used wooden spoons on us up until the point that she obtained this specific paddle. Now, the paddle is in my hands....GASP. Across this sacred ass-whipping tool is written..."Board of Education, Applied Psychology"...AND on the handle it says, "Grip here firmly in case of frustration." Ha...gotta love that.

I have only used it once...on my son and I cried after. He more than deserved it, although I do know that the saying "it will hurt me more than you" is totally true now. We have been having a severe biting/slapping/punching problem. And, I know you will all say...so, paddling him is the way to get him to stop hitting? I know it doesn't make much sense, but we had tried EVERYTHING else...redirection, time-out, talking to him and trying to explain that he was hurting the girls and his friends at school when he hits, bites, etc...(try explaining that to a 2-year-old...he just stared at me). Plus, to top it off, there was a possibility that he would be removed from the Mother's Day Out program he is in. Yeah, I need him to go. That is when I study for college and do my trasncription work...and RELAX from being a mom for a few hours a week. So, we brought in the paddle.

Since using it the one time, all I have to do is threaten to use it. Like..."do I need to get the paddle?" or "do you want a spank with the paddle?" It's always "No, no, no." So, the threat, for now, is working.

Well, yesterday, my 4-year-old had gone to her room to collect "Old Crabby." Let me briefly tell you what Crabby is. Crabby is her doll. She's one of those Eden My First Baby Dolls. We have had her since my oldest was a baby and the 4-year-old just bonded with her, named her Crab, and won't go anywhere without her. AND, all HELL breaks loose if we cannot find her! We actually accidentally left her in Austin after one of our quick visits once and I had to have my good friend, Erin, mail her IMMEDIATELY. We watched for the mail for two days...and Crabby finally arrived....THANK GOODNESS!! So, I have found three other Crabbys on Ebay and bought them. Now, we have a total of four. One Old Crabby and three New Crabbys. Two new ones came in the mail yesterday and in the 4-year-old's haste to find the other new one and the old one, she runs to her bedroom and jumps on her bed. The next thing I hear is a bloodcurdling scream and sobbing. Seriously, you would have thought she had just seen Freddy Krueger in her room. That is how terrified she was. She comes running to me and flings herself at me sobbing uncontrollably about some huge spider on her bed. Great...I just LOVE spiders...ha. And, of course, my husband is in the shower and unavailable to take care of the problem. SO...it is up to me. Good times. I frantically begin to search for the fly swatter...where is the damn thing when you actually need it?? I cannot find it...SO, I opt for the paddle...it's long, flat, and looks VERY capable of killing this monstrous spider that is on her bed...

All three children are huddled around me, freaking out about this spider (which I am now thinking must be the size of a freaking tarantula), and then I grab the paddle.....I have NEVER seen three children SCATTER so RAPIDLY. WHAM...they were gone and hiding. Apparently, I didn't make it clear that I was using the paddle to kill the spider...not to whip some hineys. POOR BABIES! I felt bad, but took care of the spider first before it could get away and cause MAJOR TRAUMA during the night. I get into the bedroom and seriously, the spider is SO SMALL I can barely see it! I kill it easily...with some screaming (I REALLY HATE BUGS), and my kids slowly emerge from their various hiding places. The 2-year-old had fled to the girls' closet...it is deep and easy to hide it. The 4-year-old had run to hide in my restroom. And, the 6-year-old had been hiding under my son's bunkbeds and she tells me...half-laughing..."Mom, we thought you were going to whip us with that, not kill the spider."

Man, I felt bad. BUT...ON THE OTHER HAND...it's good to know that I have something that will strike the fear of God if and when needed! HA. Or, if I just need a little space, I'll just get the paddle down and sit in my chair with it...that should keep them at bay at about a radius of 5 feet, RIGHT???

Explosive Diarrhea and Other Amusements...

Summer is great. I just love it. When does school start again?? Good grief...

So, my 4-year-old has a fissure on her behind. One that won't heal. Instead of immediately getting her to a pediatric gastroenterologist, her pediatrician decides we should try some Lactulose AKA, a laxative. I think, great, she'll poop more regularly and she won't have any problems getting it out. And, HECK YES, I was freaking right! I get the monstrous bottle from the pharmacy and it says to give my 40 pound, 4-year-old THREE TABLESPOONS. I thought, goodness, that sure is a lot, but the doc knows best right? WRONG! Within about two hours, she was SHITTING EVERYWHERE. No joke. It was explosive. She had pooped in her underwear, all over the bathroom floor, sprayed the toilet down, and somehow hadn't managed to get a drop IN the actual toilet. Cleaning that was so much fun, I cannot even express it in words...you get my point...there was lots of gagging and near vomiting on my part. Needless to say, I backed her off to ONE TABLESPOON and she is fine now. She is pooing fine and there have been no more explosions to date...THANK GOD.


My 2 1/2 year old son was being evaluated for speech through a local county agency. They recommended I have his vision checked just to make sure there weren't any other problems. So, off to the eye doctor we go...with the two older sisters in tow...ALL BY MYSELF. So, for starters, this was a visit made in hell. He immediately realizes that we are in a doctor's office and starts trying to "escape" out the front doors, which consequently lead right to a very busy street. I end up having to hold him with my left arm while trying to fill paperwork out with my right...it was not fun and now, my left arm is significantly stronger than my right. Next, he discovers the fake plants and proceeds to rip about 4 leaves off before I can stop him being the destructive child that he seems to be at times. I could tell the receptionist ladies were nervously laughing...probably because they wanted me to keep my child in check, but seriously...when I make an appointment at 3:45 for a 2 1/2 year old...GET ME IN AT 3:45! We sat in the waiting room for over an hour and by the time we actually got into an examining room, my son was sobbing and I was hysterical and sweating profusely. Every piece of machinery in the eye doctor office looks to cost about a million dollars...and probably does, and of course, all three of my children want to touch every machine and push every button. I felt like Octopus Woman trying to grab their arms and slap their hands while attempting to not damage the 5 million dollars worth of equipment in this 8X8 room. Man, I was having a freaking blast. ha. Next, they come in and want to take pictures of his eyes from the inside...SAY WHAT? We go to a different room, he sits on my lap, and they proceed to tell me NOT to let him stick his hand inside this hole on the machine. Well, what is the first freaking thing he does???? You guessed it...stick his damn hand inside the damn machine...GOOD LORD. The left eye went great...got the picture the first try. The right eye...not so good. It took, count them, TWELVE times. Yeah, by the time they were done, I swear, he had a concussion because the lady kept banging his head against the machine! It was pretty obvious that they were NOT well-equipped for children. So, as we are waiting for the doc to come into the exam room, after the traumatizing eye pictures, one of the ladies brings in a box of Nerds. Yeah, ONE BOX. Hello?? I have THREE KIDS. So, they commence to fighting over this one box of Nerds to the complete and utter horror of the lady. I, on the other hand, looked at her and said...let them fight it out. :) It makes for good entertainment. SOOOO...ALL the Nerds end up on the floor. And, what do you ask do my lovely, sweet, and well-behaved children do??? Well, what the hell else? They start EATING THEM OFF THE FLOOR, OF COURSE...along with the dirt, hair, and fuzz from the day's foot traffic. And, you know what? I didn't give a damn! Wanna know why? Cause it was the most quiet they had been in two hours...

Give Me A Candidate...

I have to apologize, once again, for not posting! I am swamped with schoolwork and kids this summer...it's just been nuts! I have a ton of ideas, but no time to actually get them down. So, here goes...

As the Presidential Election swiftly approaches, I felt that I MUST comment. :) I won't be campaigning for one candidate over another...goodness knows I know to dodge that bullet on here! I just want to state some things that I expect from our new President...

Give Me A Candidate That Will...

1. Lower Gas Prices!! -- For goodness sakes, DO IT NOW! I cannot wait 15 years for this one...I need gas back to $1.50 PRONTO! Filling my Expedition up costs me over $100...every time I fill it up, I throw up a little in my mouth from being gouged at the pump! I feel like I am getting screwed every time I get gas...and this kind of screwing is DEFINITELY NOT the fun kind!

2. Pay Me What I Earn!! -- I once read an article that stated if Stay-At-Home Moms were paid what they deserved for being at home with their children, working overtime, nights, and weekends...as a, more than, full-time job...GET THIS...we should be making about $150,000 a year. Get me my money and some paid vacation, and I'll vote for your ass! :)

3. Let Me Spank My Kids in Public WITHOUT the Fear of Being Arrested OR Having CPS Called on Me!! -- Now, don't get me wrong on this, I DO NOT beat my children. BUT, I do believe that pops on the rear are necessary sometimes. I just want to be able to swat my kids hiney when they don't act right in public without worrying that the old lady getting into her car or the young guy at the check-out counter are going to turn me in for child abuse... Believe me on this, if you guys had a child like my son, you'd be popping his butt too! :)

4. Shit or Get Off the Pot in Iraq!! -- I am so sick of this war I could puke. Regardless of the reasoning behind being over there, whether it was right or not...whatever...just do something, get it done with, and get the hell out...

5. Stay off of Saturday Night Live!! -- The Presidential Election is serious. Don't go on national television, on a comedy show no less, and think that you are funny. You are not...end of story. If anything, you are annoying the same young people that you are trying to get votes from because you are clouding a decent show with stupidity.

6. AND...last but not least, Get in a Boxing Ring and Duke it Out! -- Let's be honest here...don't you guys get sick of the mudslinging and the smear campaigns?? Do it like REAL MEN and fight it out...it would solve the problem and make for some pretty damn good TV! Hell, I'd watch it! :)

That's all for now...coming soon, Eye Doctor Visit from HELL, Explosive Diarrhea, and Swimming Lesson Nightmare...

Adding Injury to Injury...

My son is accident prone. There is no way around it. He is an accident waiting to happen. If he doesn’t find it, it will come looking for him. Period. End of story.

I have NO IDEA where this comes from. My girls are relatively accident-free. My husband has been a police officer for over five years and has only had one minor car crash (not his fault) that he came out of totally fine…crossing my fingers. SO…we don’t know where this haphazard behavior comes from.

For this blog, I will need to fill you in on some background information about my 2 ½-year-old. He almost drowned last year on May 23, 2007. We were at a splash day party at a friend’s house and I had turned away from him for less than 30 seconds to get lunch out for the children. And, next thing you know, we cannot find him. I thought he had disappeared into the yard, but thank heavens my friend, Danielle, had the presence of mind to realize that he might have made his way to the hot tub. And, yes, he had. She pulled him out and my other friend, Wendy, did CPR. All the while, all I could do was stand there and scream, “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” He was 17 months old at the time. Danielle and Wendy saved his life. I thank God for them every single day and thank Him for saving my baby.

To all who read this blog…this near-tragic experience taught me a valuable lesson. Things can happen more quickly than you can imagine. I turned away from him for less than 30 seconds and he was in the hot tub that quickly. He was fine then…we stayed overnight in the hospital for observation. He is fine now…he is a normal, healthy 2 ½-year-old.

My point in telling this is two-fold.

First, WATER SAFTEY is a MUST…ESPECIALLY during summertime when we are all around swimming pools, lakes, rivers, etc…a lot more often. Life jackets, water wings, bathing suits with the floaties in them…the whole nine yards. And, don’t for one minute think you can turn your heads from them…for even 30 seconds…because YOU CANNOT! I’m speaking from experience…

Second, children are resilient. He did, at first, remember, or so I thought, the trauma from a year ago. My mom and dad put up an above-ground pool about six weeks ago and at first, when we would get in, he would scream the entire time, and I would have bruises covering the backs of my arms from where he would hold a death grip. Now, he is jumping off the ladder to us and almost to the point of swimming. He and my girls will be taking swimming lessons this summer…next month, which is another important thing I would like to stress. If you can afford it, get swimming lessons for them…it could save their lives.

So, today, we were in the pool…happy as can be and my kids are taking turns jumping off the ladder. My son is taking is 20th turn and he loses his balance and falls off the ladder…we are talking a 4 ½ foot ladder…straight onto his back. I am in the pool…so I scramble to get out. My mom is out of the pool, so she runs and grabs him. He is screaming, I am freaking out, my mom is holding him. So, I run into the house dripping wet to get the phone in case I need to call 911. And, of course, I bust my ass on the way back out my parents’ back door. And, I mean BAD.

My son is fine. No need for an ER visit. He can walk, talk, turn his head from side to side, so we have escaped a visit to the ER…thank goodness. I, on the other hand, am not so good. See photo to the right. This is my left leg. Yeah, it hurts like HELL. I have had it covered, but am letting it air out for a few moments and to take this picture. This is what happens when you panic, which I seem to be VERY good at. This happens to me a lot. I get bruises, cuts, scrapes and a lot of the time, I have NO IDEA how they got there. Again, I have no idea where my son gets his accident-prone behavior from. Must be some stray gene from some random ancestor…


P.S. Here are some pics of my kids in the pool! :)

SUMMER SUCKS!

SO...it's been awhile people! :)

My summer is FILLED with kids this and kids that, running kids here and running kids there...good grief, the kids have more crap to do than I do!!! AHHHHHH!

So, I finally have a minute to breathe...actually, the kids are whining for me to fix them lunch, BUT they can wait dang it! haha!

I just took my first Physiological Psychology test of the summer yesterday and it was, by far, one of the HARDEST tests I have EVER taken in my life. I made a 72...and I was SO relieved! I thought I was gonna BOMB it!

This blog is going to be brief...but I do have some new and interesting things to report...

1. My 2 1/2 year old is still working on the potty training! YAY! He actually POOPED in the toilet yesterday...EUREKA! And, it was without prodding...he just climbed up there while I was bathing the 4-year-old and I heard a plop, plop and smelled doodoo...and there we go! YIPPEE!!! Also, he has now shown an interest in standing up to pee, which has created quite the problem for me, since I do not have a penis! He stands on the stool and leans against the toilet (I am now keeping our toilets VERY clean and VERY shiny)...here is the problem...when he first starts peeing, the pee isn't flowing hard, so it dribbles on the edge of the toilet seat, then it gets going and sprays the back of the toilet...IT IS LIKE THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN!!!! And, to top it all off, I am trying to hold it....and goodness, it's tiny, so there isn't much to hold! I feel like I am choking it off! So...I am gently encouraging the sitting down to pee thing, but he seems to think peeing standing up is SO MUCH MORE FUN! I have no idea why. :)

2. My 4-year-old and 6-year-old (yeah, she just turned 6...I am SO OLD)...are obsessed with the library's summer reading club. So, we have been reading a TON of books. Thank heavens the 6-year-old can read, so she has been picking up some of the slack! I was in the middle of reading a book the other day and the 4-year-old stops me, puts her fingers up like quotes, and says, "This book is just too 'BORING!'" I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF! She said it with a straight face and DAMMIT, she was right...the stupid book was freaking boring!!!!

3. I decided that I need a vacation with NO kids and NO husband. I came to this conclusion after spending an entire week running the girls to ballet/tap rehearsal for the ballet/tap recital. We spent 6 days straight rehearsing...three hours a day...and put, I won't even tell you, how much money into costumes and recital fees, etc... SO...on the way to the actual recital, I call my good friend, Erin, and tell her that we are going on vacation ALONE next summer with whomever of our other friends wants to go....MINUS husbands and kids! This gives us all enough time to save money and plan and give dads enough notice to take vacation...SEEMS FAIR TO ME!! WELL, the 6-year-old has HUGE ears and hears my entire conversation and once I hang up...here is what she says..."I don't know why you would want to go on vacation with Erin...all you guys will do is sit around and drink beers and smoke cigarettes all day!" OKAY...HOLD THE PHONE! I was like, WHAT?!?!?! After I stopped laughing...and ladies, this laughing was enough to pee on myself a little, I tried to figure out where the HELL she got this from!!!! I am fairly certain she has never seen me drink a beer and KNOW for a fact that she has NEVER seen me smoke a cigarette! After asking again, she says...I know that while I am at school, you sit around and drink beer and smoke cigarettes all day!

OH MY GOSH! Who has she told this to? And really, I would much rather watch soap operas and eat bon-bons than sit around drinking beer and smoking cigarettes anyway! BUT...as most stay-at-home moms know...WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR ANY OF THAT CRAP!!!! Needless to say, we had a heart to heart and I made her realize if she wanted to have any little friends over, it would be in her best interest not to EVER repeat that to anyone...because if parents think that is what I sit around doing all day, they aren't going to let their kids come over and play!

So far, my summer has just been dandy! Hope yours is just as fun! More blogs coming soon... :)

Kids Are SO GROSS...At Least, MINE ARE!

These are my precious, well-behaved, clean, sweet, mild-mannered children...all ready for cheerleading camp! Well, the girls anyway. And, those of you who know my children are all laughing your asses off having read the above traits to describe my little hellions shown to the right! :) Here is where the inspiration for my latest blog comes from. Cheerleading Camp.

The girls have looked forward to it since last year. They have yelled us all to death with the wonderful, yet overbearing cheers they learned at last year's cheerleading camp. And, this morning, both of them awakened at 6am, dressed, and were ready to leave. Problem is, camp did not begin until 8:30am. So, they had awhile to wait.

This picture was taken moments before we walked out the door and by the way, my son DID NOT want to leave after we dropped them off...I literally carried him out of the elementary school cafeteria kicking and screaming. I have the bruises to prove it. My son and I ran errands and had some mommy/son bonding over Monsters Inc. this morning and then picked the girls up at 11:30. We came home and that is when my oldest DROPPED THE BOMB on me!

The four-year-old had done something just unspeakable. And, as I was about to take a huge bite of my burger, out it came. The almost-6-year-old reports that the 4-year-old had been caught (gasp), eating her boogers by two of the high school cheerleaders. Oh, no people...it gets worse. When they asked her WHY she was doing this, she replies with..."Cause I was getting hungry."

OH MY SWEET LORD! I can NEVER show my face again in this town! People will think I do not feed my children and they have to resort to eating their own BOOGERS because they are being starved to death my their evil mother!

AS IF THAT WEREN'T BAD ENOUGH, on Memorial Day, my son decides he needs to be a nudist. See Exhibit A to the right. It wouldn't have been so bad if my 80-year-old grandparents hadn't been there when he decided to rip off his diaper and see how far he could pee off the porch! Now, I can barely keep him clothed...and my girls want to be naked all the time now too. You know how that goes...well, if brother can be naked, why can't I. If brother can pee outside, why can't I?? So, now when they are swimming at my mom and dad's house, the girls just hop out of the pool and go squat behind a tree...it's like we're WILD ANIMALS OR SOMETHING.

And, DON'T GET ME STARTED on all the FARTING! My dad is a farter, God love him, he just cannot seem to hold them in. My children think it is freaking hilarious, especially the almost-6-year-old, because my husband is a non-farter. In almost seven years of marriage, I have only heard him fart, GET THIS, ONCE! Yep, ONCE, and it was an accident AND he was SOOOO embarassed! I do it when I need to, but I don't TRY to fart. Well, the almost-6-year-old is now TRYING to fart all the time...and sometimes, they are kinda wet. I swear, if she ends up pooping on herself because she is trying to fart like her Poppy, DAMMIT, he is going to clean it up!!!!

While I am speaking of inappropriate things, I have to mention that my son also LOVES to dress up. No, not in anything like a firemen outfit or police officer outfit....OH NO....he likes to wear the girls' church shoes OR their princes dress-up shoes. He also likes to wear their dress-up crowns and carry a purse. It doesn't bother me, but one day when he is like 25, it probably won't be appropriate anymore...BUT come to think of it, neither will be peeing outside!!!!

My "Other" Job

None of us are “just” mothers and wives. We have many other various job titles. And, these are not just titles…these titles manifest themselves into very tedious tasks that often involve responsibilities that leave us asking ourselves…“when the hell did I sign up for this?”

I would like to enlighten you now with my personal list of “jobs:”

1. Mother of 3 delightfully challenging children (ages 5 – almost 6, 4, and 2 and a ½)
2. Wife of One 31-year-old who often acts like a 3-year-old
3. Full-Time College Student
4. Semi-Professional Cook who sometimes pops pre-made lasagne into the oven
5. Maid/Housekeeper/Expert Toy Picker-Upper
6. Laundry Doer, Folder, and Putter Awayer
7. Skilled Potty Trainer of Girls/Novice Potty Trainer of Boys
8. Shuttle Bus Driver
9. Boo-Boo Kisser/Band-Aid Putter-Onner
10. Master Booger-Picker/Proficient Back-Scratcher
11. Sex Goddess, but only every other Monday and Thursday night
12. Scrapbooker…yes, I know this is a hobby, but since I am SO far behind right now and my picture pile has begun to resemble Mount Everest, this “hobby” is beginning to seem much more like a “job”
13. Homework Helper Outer
14. Child/Dog Washer and/or Bath Giver
15. Play Thing to All Who Reside in this House
16. And, last but certainly not very LEAST, the job that I actually GET PAID to do…Medical Transcriptionist.

That’s right, I work from home doing medical transcription. I took an online course and got an actual job working from home that I actually get PAID to do! I have been working part-time for almost a year now (this coming August) and I LOVE it. I want to do it full-time after I finish my degree and once my son starts Kindergarten or sooner if I can find him a good preschool to attend. It’s something I enjoy, I can stay home, and I have a kick-ass boss. I don’t have to get dressed up, wear make-up, put my contacts in, put a bra on…actually, I can sit in my pajamas, in my undies, or in the nude if I want to…NOW…I didn’t say that I do those things…BUT, the point is that I COULD!!!

To top it all off, I am learning A LOT of new terminology…some of which, I would like to share with you today.

1. Pendulous Breasts: This is an actual medical term. And, yes ladies, this is what you get after you breastfeed two or three babies. They hang down like pendulums…like the ladies in National Geographic who have NEVER worn a bra in their lives. Sometimes, you even whack yourself in the face with your pendulums when you are making an attempt at putting on your pants and you haven't yet crammed them into a bra...Lovely, isn’t it.

2. Internal Derangement: Nope, this isn’t a term for your mother-in-law. This is just a fancy word for a bad knee. BUT, if she is being a bit bitchy and you would like to mess with her a bit, you could whisper ever so lightly in her direction…“Don’t they have medication for your internal derangement?”

3. Pagophagia: This word means the compulsive eating of ice that is a common symptom of a lack of iron. I had no idea that people actually craved ice...I just thought they MADE you eat it while you were in labor because you couldn't have anything else to eat or drink!

4. Panniculus: It means a layer of tissue, especially a subcutaneous layer of fat. For those of us who have had babies...and are overweight, it is that layer of skin that hangs down under your belly button. Yeah...nice image right. I now know what that is called...it isn't just a fat roll...it's my PANNICULUS! So, now, when my children say..."Mommy, I see your fat tummy," I can correct them and say, "No, honey, it's my panniculus!"

5. Hypogonadism: This literally means “small balls.” This speaks for itself! I do have to personally thank my boss for making my day with this one…when she e-mailed me to tell me what it meant…I actually fell out of my chair in hysterics laughing my ass off!! I just had no idea there was such a thing and that it even had a name!!!!!!

6. Pump Bump: This is like a bunion…it’s something you get from wearing pumps (AKA: high heels), which is another torture device…like panty hose and bras…probably created by men to make women feel inferior to them. Here is my theory, throw out the high heels, burn the bras, rip up the panty hose…and if your man says anything, just say, “honey, I think you may have hypogonadism, we may need to see a plastic surgeon about some ball implants.” That’ll shut him right up…I PROMISE!!!

LAST, BUT NOT LEAST…

7. Pruritus: This means “itchy anus.” We’ve all had it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes, you just have to itch it. Just a word to the wise, it’s better to do it when no one is looking…

Hope you enjoyed,
Professor Shellie :)